Never Give Up or Give In

Wow, I never thought I would be writing again. Honestly I did not even plan on still being on this Earth for this long. It has been two years since I have written from my heart. I was a person who always wanted a husband, the kids but most importantly I wanted to live as long as Methuselah(oldest person whose age is mentioned in the Old Testament) for many reasons. He lived to be 969 yrs old.

I am sure you have heard the expression only ask the question if you really want to hear the answer. Please know this about me. I am a what you see is what you get person. I will be revealing a lot about myself in this post because that is who I am. Ask me a question or my opinion only if you are ready to hear what I really feel. In my youth I wasn't always tactful about what I would say but with maturity came tact. Unfortunately with even more maturity came a little less tact.

I used to be one of the most upbeat and positive people I knew. I was the one who would go and try to make others smile. At one point in my life I had co-workers asking me why I wasn't doing stand up comedy considering I was an IT specialist.

So why bring these two things up. This same person 20 months ago became the complete opposite. I went into severe depression and I tried to kill myself. Me & Suicide were two words I could never see together.

Let's go back in time a little:

When I was still working in the corporate field I had a group of 30 people reporting to me with various sexual orientations. For some reason at one time or another over half of them had asked me what mine was. I would tell them that was an inappropriate question to ask. However at the next staff meeting I told them I would tell them my preference but first I would like to know why it was such a hot topic for discussion. Was there a bet/money pool or what? Finally one of my employees said that I fit into a certain category of sexuality which was a Lesbian. I was over 40, independent, single and never married. Needless to say I was speechless for a few seconds thinking wow I wonder if the women in Miami knew that, since that is where I was originally from. I cleared my throat and said no I wasn't a lesbian. I asked if this was just a local thing and was told that it was predominant in the Bay Area. Now I don't necessarily believe that but it enabled me to put a rationalization in my mind as to why I could not get a date. I tried the online thing with various sites and since I was a full figured woman and not skin and bones men weren't interested.

Now I'm working three jobs(all non-corporate), six days a week since 2004. I had been engaged three times but never married since I don't tolerate infidelity. So at 46, it had been over 10 years since I had been out on a date. I blamed my job situation since I never had the time but before? What man would want me now? Would I be able to share my space? Too many questions and no answers.

So I am busting my butt to maintain my living in the Bay Area and never stopping to take care of the spiritual and mental me. One of the most important aspects was my ability to stop and have fun. I worked for someone for over three years who told me daily how lucky I was to have a job, no exaggeration either via email or phone. I was the sole employee with the responsibility of running all his business ventures. I finally snapped in June of 2009. For six months I didn't leave my bedroom, my shrink was playing Russian Roulette with different medications to which my body had serious issues with. All the people I had called friend walked away and basically said contact me when your better. Seriously? So I festered in room with my pooch, Hudsen, eating nothing but two quarts of ice cream a night.

That November I decided it was time to go, I did all that I needed to do and the few people left would be better off with me gone. Well I was unsuccessful, my property manager found me and I am still here. This is a good thing obviously the universe knew better. I believe that a portion of the darkness I experienced could be have been due to the two attunements to Reiki Master. One teacher who I cast out of my life very rudely because I didn't want to hear what she was saying. I have since re-connected with her(in the past month) and apologized. This was her reply:

"As far as the attunements, not everyone goes through the same intensity or extreme dark periods, but stuff usually does come up at whatever pace you are able to handle. Those that go through really dark places are the Old Souls that are on the PhD program in this lifetime, trying to get it all together so they can help others. You are definitely a teacher/healer yourself and are a blessing for the world."

January of 2010 I decided to migrate out of my room and take back my life. I started by mentally forgiving all the people who abandoned me. I used to support over 2,500 people as a network specialist and now I couldn't/can't be in a room with more than three people.

I lost touch with all that was important to me, my faith, my crystals basically everything that made up what I believed to be my essence. It was buried under a whole lot of manure. The tunnel to it was too long, dark and narrow for me to even attempt to travel through nor did I have any desire to.

At first I blamed my previous also my last employer for all my issues, now looking back that man was a Blessing. One day I was doing something I never do and that was mindlessly sit and channel surf. I didn't stay on any one channel for very long and I stumbled upon one that had this guy singing. I stopped, I knew the voice but from where. So I stopped and listened to "Thinking of You" by Christian Kane and watched the rest of the episode. The song made me cry and pulled at me.

So then I go on the computer to look him up and find out where I had heard him. Ah ha it was from the movie "Love Song" with Monica where he had also pulled at my heart. I believe the eyes reflect the soul of a person and his eyes even tho he was acting showed me a humble man. I went to his website and saw that he had a Twitter account. I had really bad experiences with Facebook and Myspace so I was leery about signing up. It took me over a month but I finally signed up, September 2010. I was also in the process of preparing for my move to Arizona I could no longer afford to live in California. I chose a place with a spiritual significance to me and the fact that there were minimal natural disasters was a plus.

I would never have thought I would meet some of the most supportive people in my life online. They became my "virtual support group". As with anything in this universe with time the crap surfaces and you find fake, deceiving and self serving people; but I was better equipped to deal with it this time. I have found the most love and support from people whom I have never met in person. People who have gone out of their way to do acts of kindness for me.

I talk to them on the phone, email or DM. I have support all over the world, Ireland, Sri Lanka, and Denmark. How Blessed am I! I have people who will call me out and tell me what I need to hear not just what I want to hear. The tunnel I mentioned above is not as frightening now and there is a light at the end. The light I see is generated from rays of love and support of those people, Some of whom I can call friend and some extended family. There was a set of lyrics in one of Christian's songs, "Let's Take a Drive", that use to frighten me.
I bet you look real hard
You can find that girl within
She's probably waitin' in the wings
For you to come along
Let her out again

They no longer do. I am back on my spiritual path I will never be the person I was because just like a fine wine people can choose to get better(or not) with time. It is my choice which I never thought I would ever say or think again. I have started practicing Reiki again, working with crystals and actually being able to help my friends again. I will be whole again and be what I was destined to be. Won't it be fun to find out?

So my moral to this Blog is Never Give Up or Give In; if I had given in to my fear and never joined Twitter I would not be surrounded by the love, light and support of some of the most altruistic people I have ever met.

May you always see the light in your heart and the beauty of your essence and if you can't call a friend. They will shine the light on it for you and stand by you until you can see it on your own.

Peace and Love,

Halina