Journey/Destination/Reality Hello Seriously

I usually try to stay up beat or try to share some thing I find interesting in my posts but with this one not so much. I have been without consistent (ie only emergencies) verbal contact with people for over a month. I have been bitched out because I am fiscally responsible. Oh well deal with it.

There was a death in the family a few days ago my sis-in-law's (I introduced her to my brother since she and I were friends first) ex-husband died in the bathroom alone, in his assisted living residence. There was a very unique relationship that developed in that my brother, the new husband, and the ex got along and became good friends. They would go out and have lunch or chat, that is not a very common occurrence. So it is very sad time for all.

Today also makes the two week anniversary, June 16,

since my best friend and companion died in my arms.

So all in all I am not in the best of spirits, my one refuge since I have had a hard time reading for awhile now(due to my inability to focus) is watching TV, trust me there aren't too many uplifting and funny things there. Can't garden due to heat and meds with heat etc.

All the people who "cared and worried" so much when I was on twitter and was an available cause for them stopped communicating in any form. I deleted my account and then I get "oh why did you delete your account" seriously folks I am forty fucking eight I have seen too many deceivers, usurpers and liars that I can spot them right away unfortunately my weakness and vulnerability due to illness a few people slipped under the radar. I doubt they will ever read this but trust me YOU are the primary reason I deleted my twitter account that and all the BS going on. I prefer the handful of true blue people who are loving and genuine (and give tough love when needed but trust me right now is not the time to give it)

It has been said:

"It's not the destination, but the journey that counts"

Okay so what if there is no destination, does that mean there is no journey thus implying no life or life lessons learned? What if just living is the destination? Well hell if that is the case I have learned a lot of shit I didn't need to. There are great examples listed below(hint look for the word narcissism)

A little sarcasm here, But could there be anymore reality shows out there? Anytime I talk to anyone they say no I don't watch that BS well someone must be watching them cause they are still on the air and reproducing like rabbits. Have we lost the ability to live our own lives and be content or must we watch how other people live and live vicariously through them? I wonder is it to make themselves feel better to see other people doing better and or maybe worse off than them. Do I care if you can Dance, Sing, Sing in a group ummmmmmmm NO!!!!! So don't look for my vote....

OMG can TNT have ANY more commercials (Lord knows I am thankful for DVR's.)? I can see why so many shows get renewed they have a lot of sponsors out there who want them to succeed, lots of money to be made, in them there commercials. I have seen commercial/trailers, (don't know what they are called) for hoarders, intervention, and the how different stars live their lives. I could care less, they have no impact on my life. Wait I missed my favorite, all the talk in the hospital by the nurses is The Bachelorette. So lets all go out and get on lets see hmmm, Eharmony, match,plenty of fish, Jdate, I am sure I have missed a few and or for the religious at heart not judging just sharing chrisitiansingles all followed by .com.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQm_8vX3sYU

Throwing in some levity just to keep you going.

I must stress that this is only my opinion.

Now as far as entertainment is concerned we have lost that all the way around. I wonder what Charlie Chaplin would say if he saw the Entertainment Industry today.

There is nothing out that compares to (dating myself) The Ed Sullivan Show, Sonny & Cher, Tom Jones(hold on picturing him taking off his bow tie Oh My), Carol Burnett, Hee Haw and Laugh-In for entertainment shows. I think you get the picture. I believe it was called Family Television but that was a different time I guess.

Here are you tube videos that are good ole family fun:

Lily Tomlin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9e3dTOJi0o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ5ob9B9yD4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WD09hBDdw7k

I must stress Again that this is only my opinion.

There are no true entertainers/artists out there that come close to Danny Kaye, Bob Hope, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds. I could go on but I won't; those of you who understand know who the others are, those who don't understand it will not matter. These people could do it all sing, act, dance and stand-up, truly entertain people.

Apart from Peter Jackson(& a select few others, I am a Lord of the Rings girl) have we lost all our creative talent in this world can't say Hollywood since people are moving all over. We may not have had the technology 10 -20 years ago but we had creativity and imagination. (Wait imagination get the Ritalin it can't be imagination it is always ADHD) Does anyone remember just lying on the grass and staring at the clouds and making up what they looked like to them, rabbit, train :)? So what happens now, they are remaking movies because there is new dazzling technology to jazz them up. Seriously?

Since I have been house bound I can tell you more about narcissism, psychopaths and psychotic breaks than I ever wanted to even know. There are almost as many of these types of shows as there are Reality Shows. I have also learned all kinds of ways for weak women/men to kill people twice their size. I even checked to see if what I was watching was just made up nope looked on internet and they are legit.

So what does all this ranting boil down to:

Don't tell me we all have problems but it will be ok because there is no way to tell. No two people walk in the same shoes so what weighs heavy on one person soul doesn't necessarily weigh or even matter to the other. Don't tell me to hang on, it will be fine, the sun will come out tomorrow because I ain't Annie. There are no guarantees and for me folks it definitely isn't about the fucking journey or destination. Oh one last rant I am soooooooooo tired of when I tell someone something sad they feel the need to out do me by having a similar tragedy or event. That is one way of keeping up with the Jones that needs to be flushed, truth be told all the ways should be flushed. Then the same person tells me that I should try to stay focused, be positive and happy. Well hell if you surrounded by crap your gonna smell like crap. So go figure this out if I am down and all you do is try to compete with me about how bad everything is, how exactly do you expect me to be happy? Friendship folks for me is sharing good and bad. I don't expect for my friends to always be sunshine and joy because life gets in the way. The key is sharing both good and bad which means some days are up and others down. If all your days are nothing but consistent downers please don't expect me to jump for joy because I can't. One reason being your friend means that I care for you and Second reason if everything is bad for you and hurting, I will feel hurt for you as well.

So for me folks it is about trying to stay positive. The latest sliver of sunshine I have had is the birth of my adopted little sisters, across two oceans, new and first nephew. She knows how to share the good and the bad. Sometimes it is all good and sometimes not so much but she is a good person with a big heart. Her nephew will be seriously spoiled. I have a few people who have shown me great support you know who you are and I am grateful for your love and all you have done for me from rescue remedy to castor oil :). I have another good friend who is across one ocean but visits the USA with all that has transpired in the past six months in her family and country she still takes time to say Hi. She once got a shout out from me many, many months ago when she was being ignored and she has been by my side since. She says I am special folks. I love her but she sees me through rose colored glasses. It is time for a new RX.

To those of you who love me back at ya and those who don't or are talking and doing shit against me or anyone else I wish you love and Blessings also because Karma is a serious bitch.

Please do feel free to comment.

Peace Out

I thought this was worth reposting - Hearing versus Listening

Hearing versus Listening

As before I have put the definitions of the words I will be sharing with you at the end.

How many times have you been in a conversation with someone and in the middle of it they ask you, "are you listening to me"?

You may have found your mind wondering off as this person was talking, distracted by something else going around you. You are hearing the words but you are not listening to what message or concern is being conveyed.

We are all guilty of doing this but it does not justify the disservice you are giving the speaker or you as the listener. You never know what knowledge you may glean from paying attention. Also look at from the opposite perspective what if you were speaking to someone about a heart felt situation and they were only hearing you but not truly listening and would you want any advice from that conversation.

Now mind you, every conversation out there does not require 100 percent attention sometimes we just like to banter and joke, but if someone says I need to talk, put on blinders over your ears versus your eyes and give that person all of you.

It never hurts to listen and or be heard but it does hurt to be ignored or not feel worthy of the attention of someone you care about.

Until Next Time
Wishing you Peace, Love and Light
Crystal Spirit Guide



Main Entry: lis·ten
Pronunciation: \ˈli-sən\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): lis·tened; lis·ten·ing \ˈlis-niŋ, ˈli-sən-iŋ\
Etymology: Middle English listnen, from Old English hlysnan; akin to Sanskrit śroṣati he hears, Old English hlūd loud
Date: before 12th century
transitive verb
archaic : to give ear to : hear
intransitive verb
1: to pay attention to sound
2: to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3: to be alert to catch an expected sound

Main Entry: hearing
Function: noun
Date: 13th century
1 a: the process, function, or power of perceiving sound ; specifically : the special sense by which noises and tones are received as stimuli b: earshot
2 a: opportunity to be heard, to present one's side of a case, or to be generally known or appreciated b (1): a listening to arguments (2): a preliminary examination in criminal procedure c: a session (as of a legislative committee) in which testimony is taken from witnesses
3chiefly dialect : a piece of news

Courtesy of http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/

Never Give Up or Give In

Wow, I never thought I would be writing again. Honestly I did not even plan on still being on this Earth for this long. It has been two years since I have written from my heart. I was a person who always wanted a husband, the kids but most importantly I wanted to live as long as Methuselah(oldest person whose age is mentioned in the Old Testament) for many reasons. He lived to be 969 yrs old.

I am sure you have heard the expression only ask the question if you really want to hear the answer. Please know this about me. I am a what you see is what you get person. I will be revealing a lot about myself in this post because that is who I am. Ask me a question or my opinion only if you are ready to hear what I really feel. In my youth I wasn't always tactful about what I would say but with maturity came tact. Unfortunately with even more maturity came a little less tact.

I used to be one of the most upbeat and positive people I knew. I was the one who would go and try to make others smile. At one point in my life I had co-workers asking me why I wasn't doing stand up comedy considering I was an IT specialist.

So why bring these two things up. This same person 20 months ago became the complete opposite. I went into severe depression and I tried to kill myself. Me & Suicide were two words I could never see together.

Let's go back in time a little:

When I was still working in the corporate field I had a group of 30 people reporting to me with various sexual orientations. For some reason at one time or another over half of them had asked me what mine was. I would tell them that was an inappropriate question to ask. However at the next staff meeting I told them I would tell them my preference but first I would like to know why it was such a hot topic for discussion. Was there a bet/money pool or what? Finally one of my employees said that I fit into a certain category of sexuality which was a Lesbian. I was over 40, independent, single and never married. Needless to say I was speechless for a few seconds thinking wow I wonder if the women in Miami knew that, since that is where I was originally from. I cleared my throat and said no I wasn't a lesbian. I asked if this was just a local thing and was told that it was predominant in the Bay Area. Now I don't necessarily believe that but it enabled me to put a rationalization in my mind as to why I could not get a date. I tried the online thing with various sites and since I was a full figured woman and not skin and bones men weren't interested.

Now I'm working three jobs(all non-corporate), six days a week since 2004. I had been engaged three times but never married since I don't tolerate infidelity. So at 46, it had been over 10 years since I had been out on a date. I blamed my job situation since I never had the time but before? What man would want me now? Would I be able to share my space? Too many questions and no answers.

So I am busting my butt to maintain my living in the Bay Area and never stopping to take care of the spiritual and mental me. One of the most important aspects was my ability to stop and have fun. I worked for someone for over three years who told me daily how lucky I was to have a job, no exaggeration either via email or phone. I was the sole employee with the responsibility of running all his business ventures. I finally snapped in June of 2009. For six months I didn't leave my bedroom, my shrink was playing Russian Roulette with different medications to which my body had serious issues with. All the people I had called friend walked away and basically said contact me when your better. Seriously? So I festered in room with my pooch, Hudsen, eating nothing but two quarts of ice cream a night.

That November I decided it was time to go, I did all that I needed to do and the few people left would be better off with me gone. Well I was unsuccessful, my property manager found me and I am still here. This is a good thing obviously the universe knew better. I believe that a portion of the darkness I experienced could be have been due to the two attunements to Reiki Master. One teacher who I cast out of my life very rudely because I didn't want to hear what she was saying. I have since re-connected with her(in the past month) and apologized. This was her reply:

"As far as the attunements, not everyone goes through the same intensity or extreme dark periods, but stuff usually does come up at whatever pace you are able to handle. Those that go through really dark places are the Old Souls that are on the PhD program in this lifetime, trying to get it all together so they can help others. You are definitely a teacher/healer yourself and are a blessing for the world."

January of 2010 I decided to migrate out of my room and take back my life. I started by mentally forgiving all the people who abandoned me. I used to support over 2,500 people as a network specialist and now I couldn't/can't be in a room with more than three people.

I lost touch with all that was important to me, my faith, my crystals basically everything that made up what I believed to be my essence. It was buried under a whole lot of manure. The tunnel to it was too long, dark and narrow for me to even attempt to travel through nor did I have any desire to.

At first I blamed my previous also my last employer for all my issues, now looking back that man was a Blessing. One day I was doing something I never do and that was mindlessly sit and channel surf. I didn't stay on any one channel for very long and I stumbled upon one that had this guy singing. I stopped, I knew the voice but from where. So I stopped and listened to "Thinking of You" by Christian Kane and watched the rest of the episode. The song made me cry and pulled at me.

So then I go on the computer to look him up and find out where I had heard him. Ah ha it was from the movie "Love Song" with Monica where he had also pulled at my heart. I believe the eyes reflect the soul of a person and his eyes even tho he was acting showed me a humble man. I went to his website and saw that he had a Twitter account. I had really bad experiences with Facebook and Myspace so I was leery about signing up. It took me over a month but I finally signed up, September 2010. I was also in the process of preparing for my move to Arizona I could no longer afford to live in California. I chose a place with a spiritual significance to me and the fact that there were minimal natural disasters was a plus.

I would never have thought I would meet some of the most supportive people in my life online. They became my "virtual support group". As with anything in this universe with time the crap surfaces and you find fake, deceiving and self serving people; but I was better equipped to deal with it this time. I have found the most love and support from people whom I have never met in person. People who have gone out of their way to do acts of kindness for me.

I talk to them on the phone, email or DM. I have support all over the world, Ireland, Sri Lanka, and Denmark. How Blessed am I! I have people who will call me out and tell me what I need to hear not just what I want to hear. The tunnel I mentioned above is not as frightening now and there is a light at the end. The light I see is generated from rays of love and support of those people, Some of whom I can call friend and some extended family. There was a set of lyrics in one of Christian's songs, "Let's Take a Drive", that use to frighten me.
I bet you look real hard
You can find that girl within
She's probably waitin' in the wings
For you to come along
Let her out again

They no longer do. I am back on my spiritual path I will never be the person I was because just like a fine wine people can choose to get better(or not) with time. It is my choice which I never thought I would ever say or think again. I have started practicing Reiki again, working with crystals and actually being able to help my friends again. I will be whole again and be what I was destined to be. Won't it be fun to find out?

So my moral to this Blog is Never Give Up or Give In; if I had given in to my fear and never joined Twitter I would not be surrounded by the love, light and support of some of the most altruistic people I have ever met.

May you always see the light in your heart and the beauty of your essence and if you can't call a friend. They will shine the light on it for you and stand by you until you can see it on your own.

Peace and Love,

Halina